Elevator Music?

I realize that people can sometimes be unaware of their actions. It's a big world out there and there's a lot to do and worry about. I mean, how could you possibly look where you're walking AND answer a text message from your sweetums about which wine would go better for tonight's uber important dinner? You can't just leave that kind of question hanging in the balance for a few minutes, ya know. This is important stuff that needs immediate answering. I get it!

Elevators are different, though, aren't they? You get into this mechanical tin can the size of a small bathroom with several other equally ecstatic people. If you're lucky you'll only be in there for a half minute or so. Is it really that hard to just stand there quietly? Seriously? Don't try to talk louder on your cell phone. The volume isn't the problem. It's the cell signal. That's right! This has happened to you before, hasn't it? Cell phones in elevators don't work very well yet people INSIST on trying to squeeze out that phone call until they reach their floor; and with every floor you pass (1.....DING.....2.....DING.....3.....DING) the reception gets worse and eventually craps out on you. You couldn't wait to get on the elevator and finish your call instead? You just had to multitask, didn't you? Well I don't want to hear you shouting into your phone, "Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Hello? Stacy? Hello? Stacy? Hello? Can you hear me? Damnit! Stacy? I'm on an elevator. Hello? Stacy?". Um, hey doucher, Stacy can't hear you. BUT I CAN! I'm right the fuck next to you. ON AN ELEVATOR. Hang up the damn phone and wait until you get to your floor so that I can spend these 30+ seconds, shoulder to shoulder in an enclosed and upwardly moving jail cell, in some kind of peace. Thank you.

It's not just the cell phones, though. I was just on the elevator a few minutes ago and some guy insisted on tapping. Tap tap tap tap tap. Right on the side of the elevator. Don't worry, brother, no one can hear it but you. Oh, and everyone else on the elevator too. Is it that hard to just stand still, watch the stupid floors escalate on the LCD and get off at your floor when the doors open? This isn't a root canal. It'll be over before you know it. I promise.

Yesterday a women had a water bottle with her, dangling it from her hand. The water bottle had ice in it. Can you guess what she proceeded to do with that water bottle for the entirety of the elevator ride? You guessed it. She shook it. With gusto no less! She wouldn't stop. You would have thought that the elevator would cease to move had she not continued to shake her water bottle. "Oh, I can't stop shaking it. See, we might stop in between floors if I stop. I have to do this. It's vitally important to the mission of this elevator".

Other honorable mentions:

- feeling the need to chew, mouth agape, for the length of the ride.
- farting (no explanation needed)
- feeling the need to converse with your elevator buddy ("What brings you here?")
- playing your iPod so loud that it actually plays over my OWN headphones
- staring
- changing shoes
- anything else that you can think of that can easily be done 30 seconds later on your floor, with more space, not in an elevator with others

So please, when you're in an elevator realize that it is indeed an elevator and not your office/cubicle or your living room or your honey's apartment or anywhere else you feel like it's okay to be overtly rude. You're sharing a minimal amount of space with other people. Pretend like you care.